Preface: I didn’t intend for this blog to take me as long as it has, but here we (finally) are.
My birthday blog… just one month later:
And just like that, it’s May 25th yet again.
This infamous day, that just so happens to be my birthday.
2 years ago today, I thought I was going to die.
1 year ago today, I didn’t; because I decided to live.
But, 1 year and 2 weeks ago, I did.
I was in the hospital, with my mom, on mothers day weekend.
On that day, I thought I was going to die.
And that was the day I realized, I had to decide to live.
“Once you learn how to die, you learn how to live.”- Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom
And here I will write what learning to die has taught me.
Once I learned to die, I learned to need.
I learned to need people, because this life is not one meant to be lived alone.
Even through the pain, and sorrow that losing people brings…
I have found it always better to care.
To care enough (to choose) to buy the puppy.
Because, even though that puppy will inevitably die, all the beautiful moments will live on through each and every memory.
Once I learned to die, I learned to lose.
I learned to lose all the big things, and all the little things.
And when I lost everything, I found what “everything” really was.
And I found that the loss of the big things, wasn't what hurt the most.
It was the small things.
The loss of the small things, is what really hurt the most.
And from that day on, I knew…
I had been holding on tight to the wrong things all along.
Once I learned to die, I learned to say yes.
Because once I learned to die, I realized the impermanence of this life we live.
And from that day on, I decided to say yes to everything… because I didn’t want to miss anything.
But, through this, I also learned to say no.
Because I can’t do everything (and neither can you).
And sometimes, you have to say no.
Because saying yes to everything, doesn’t mean you won’t miss anything.
Sometimes, in the chaos of life, saying yes to every little thing, means missing every big thing.
You will miss things. It’s ok. You can say no. Let yourself miss some things...
Just don’t miss the things not worth missing.
Once I learned to die, I learned to see.
I learned to see this world, and everybody in it, through a different lens.
Because once I learned to die, I learned to see that everyone has been there, and felt that, one way or another.
And I found that I was never really as alone as I once thought I was.
Because at the end of the day, we are all just trying to learn how to be in this world.
It just took looking through a different lens to see that.
Once I learned to die, I learned to speak.
On the day I thought would be my last, I realized that people don’t know the things I never told them.
On that day, I learned the power of regret.
And I knew that it was a weight that I never wanted to carry.
So from that day on, I made sure people knew.
I made sure to tell them how much I care, admire, and love them.
Because I did. And I do.
And I don’t want to leave this earth without them knowing.
Once I learned to die, I learned to learn.
To learn what I loved…until I loved to learn.
Because this world has so much to learn, and there was so much I wanted to know.
And I hope I continue learning until the day I take my last breath.
Once I learned to die, I learned to question.
And I learned to ask.
I learned to question everything, because there is always more to know.
But I also learned to know the Truth.
To question everything, but know the Truth.
Because there’s two sides to every story.
But there’s only One that is absolute.
Once I learned to die, I learned to listen.
I learned that to listen is to know; and to be known is to be loved.
And I learned how much we all long to be known, and to be loved.
Once I learned to die, I learned to feel.
I learned to embrace and feel each emotion to its fullness.
And then I learned to release those feelings.
Because I found that I didn’t need to hold those weights any longer.
To feel… and then let go.
And I learned that letting go is ok.
Once I learned to die, I learned to give grace.
I learned to see people for who they really are, not who they seem to be.
And I learned to forgive.
Because I then realized, everyone fights their own battles, too.
And we all deserve a little bit of grace…
And to be understood.
Once I learned to die, I learned to teach.
Because to teach is to learn.
And to teach is to love.
I learned to teach, and I learned to do it right.
Because when we teach we teach who we are.
And once I learned to die, I learned to make who I am, who I want to teach others to be, too.
And it was then that I saw the way in which we are all teachers, too.
Once I learned to die, I learned to appreciate.
To appreciate each sunrise,
and each sunset.
Because once I learned to die, I realized I didn’t know how many I had left.
And I knew no matter how big, or how small,
I didn’t want to miss the now.
Once I learned to die, I learned to remember.
To remember the little, and the big…
as well as the good, and the bad.
Because without the bad, there would be no good.
And both the good and the bad made me who I am today.
And I knew that was something I never wanted to forget.
Because I learned, if we don’t remember where we were, we lose sight of where we are.
Once I learned to die, I learned to change.
And I learned that it didn’t have to be scary, dreadful, or depressing.
I learned it could be beautiful.
Like the bare trees blooming on the first day of spring.
I found joy in the changing of the seasons.
With the anticipation and hope that a beautiful season is soon approaching.
Because it just has to be.
Once I learned to die, I learned to dream.
Or should I say, I learned to let myself dream.
Because I decided to live.
And I knew if I were to live, I was going to make it worthwhile.
Because I realized how badly I want to make a difference.
And deep down, I knew God called me to be so much more than ordinary.
Once I learned to die, I learned to hope.
Because, even though I saw firsthand how full of pain and suffering this world is…
I learned that God promises more.
He promises healing and happiness for us all...
whether this life, or the next.
And what is there to hold onto, if not that hope?
Once I learned to die, I learned to trust.
To trust God, and His people with all my heart.
Because if not Him, then who?
Once I learned to die, I learned to live.
To live out each moment, because each and every one of them has beauty.
And once I learned to die, I learned the power of presence.
And I learned that we will never get the “now,” back… so we better enjoy it while it’s here–in the present.
Because the present is truly a gift.
And if not now, then when?
Life moves pretty fast…
If you don’t stop and look around a while,
You might just miss it.
(and you don’t want to miss this, trust me)
Today, I woke up, and all I could think was “I wonder…”
I wonder what blessings these next 18 years will bring.
I wonder what sufferings will come with.
I wonder what love these next 18 years will bring.
I wonder what heartaches will come with.
I wonder what healing these next 18 years will bring.
I wonder what sickness will come with.
I wonder what knowledge these next 18 years will bring.
I wonder what wisdom will come with.
I wonder where I will go these next 18 years.
And I wonder, if you’ll come too.
These past 18 years have taught me to live.
Because this life is not one meant to merely survive.
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